The Ocean

As powerful as can be.

In darkness you will be.

Swimming, floating,
where you finally will see.

A love left alone

I stand alone,
beside you.

Leaning on my own feet,
while resting in our trust.

I let you,
walk alone.

Your own path,
yet you know you have a home.

Your journey,
as mine.

We have an unconditional love,
a love left alone.

Let it be

Enjoy beauty from a distance
Watch it grow,
let it fall.

Breathe,
do not sufficate by control.

Watch tears and anger boil,
standing firmly beside.
Let it unfold.

Breathe,
and let it go.

Relax into your lovers love,
standing on your feet.
Let it travel on it's own.

Breathe,
you will find your home.

Here I go again

How come I feel lost when I´m free
The same regrets are coming back and
I´m so afraid of what might come out of this
what is really me and is there such thing as me
there is no answer and I stopped asking myself
but my inside keep showing up uninvited.

Iron fist

I have an iron fist.
Grasping and holding on,
covering and drowning.

There is no place to be.

The gap

Forcing,
searching
reaching within

Escaping,
alleviating,
running away

Searching for something better
Running from something worse

Deasperatly,
craving to be,
someone else

Frenetically,
distracting,
avoiding myself

Searching for something better
Running from something worse

Carefully,
manipulating,
staging my presence

Worrying,
afraid to let go,
yet longing to be

Searching for something better
Running from something worse

I am somewhere in between

I discovered a strenght,
seemingly absent.
The lack of it,
convincingly colored my mind.

I have grabbed hold,
desperatly clung.
Suddenly,
I met,
the strenght of letting go.

:)

When I change and actually dare to show
how will I then change while on your reaction?
I think, maybe I´m afraid of all I am
and afraid I smile :)

Release

"I'm gonna show you",I said.
"I can be released", I shouted!
Echos hitting the narrow walls of my mind.

"Look at me", I whispered.
"See me!", I begged.
Bathig in the red sea of my ego.

"Make me feel something!", I thought.
"Even if it hurts", I laughed.
Merging into the role of a victim.

"This is me", I told myself loudly.
"You are never going to change!", I repeated in my mind.
Hiding in my illusions of transformation.

"Who are you?", I asked.
"Who are you hiding?", my voice changed.
It's time to let it go,
it's time to be released.

London calling?

Full speed
Don't worry about looking behind you
No need to take a step back
Keep going
No need to fear the Unknown
Don't worry about predictions
Do it
Ride with the dynamic movements of life
This is it

Miss feeling sure
I like knowing what I want
I´m not sure of any of that
and that makes me sad
but gives me comfort when
once again I have to give up my unhappiness

What is love?

I don´t know what love is
I don´t need to know
just feel it.

Naked

Pale skin,
cold veins of blood.
Grey flesh,
unfamiliar and strange.
Looks old,
yet so young.

Frozen face,
hateful black eyes.
Overwhelming discomfort,
immediatly turn my head.
Hard to breath,
thick air of shame.

Naked

I have created the space,
touched the openness slightly.
I have befriended my story,
gently letting go.
I have thrown myself into the Unknown,
without drowning.
I have faced a couple of shadows,
slowly one by one.

Suddenly I notice myself in the mirror,
at the starting line again.
Looking at this skin and bones,
like a stranger.
Staring into my eyes,
dark hate and anger.
There is a gap,
a birdge left to cross.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
-Written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta

to wake

she awoke

to find

a storm

quietly

she sits

Honest

Visited a place,
 tremendous amount of space

No wall,
as far as the eye could see.
The safest place to be.

Far away.
Still right here.
How did I get there?

No decision,
or control.

Whole.

Waiting for the petals
Blown by spring winds
To brush gently
Past my face
Blushing pink

The reflection of the Sun
In the moon
Light
Falls on my windowsill

Dampness

Telling of the old house
Of misused energy in search for truth
Can you smell the rotting of wood?


Touched
I fear the roof will cave
Walls delicate of over-grown skin


I haven't yet begun but I've already swept miles
How can it be that I've missed these piles of stones?
Heavy


Once believing in complete trust
Once more grieving for a round smooth pebble
Wishing to find it and finish this smile

Ahead of myself

Projecting my mind

thoughts abound

racing pulse

my body behind

Pinhole iris

focus ahead

nothing left

but fleshy abyss

Momentary fantasy

take me away

now I'm back

and find it's day

I stay

for a while

until I'm taken

by another ride

Distrust

Looking at you,
watching me.
Afraid of what you might see.

Watching you,
looking at me.
Is there any truth to what I see?

Molding the surface,
as pleasant as can be.
Fear of you rejecting me.

Hiding in my mind,
driven by mistrust.
No trust in you,
nor me...



.

Take me away

Take me away.
Turning my head,
avoiding eyes.
Let me disappear,
in my own disguise.

Take me away.
To the extreeme,
the state of a dream.
Let me hide,
in my illusions of the mind.

In between

Keep asking questions
Keep wanting answers
Why do I ask?
Why do I answer?

Keep looking ahead
Turning around,
as I search for answers
Where am I heading?
Where do I come from?

Keep shifitng
The one or the other
The past,
or the present
What about now?

Now,
no need for answers,
nor questions.

Drop for space

Inside is anger of what is right,

wont give in but I would like to let go.

Just like that.

Questions

What do I want?
Reaching for the sky to elevate me,
searching for the ground to hold me back.

What is wanting?
Trying not to chose the one or the other,
yet striving to make a decision.

What is knowing?
Looking for answers to understand,
yet wishing to let go of the mind.

While having a coffee with a typical snack from the island...

I feel dark blue

I don't know what to do

I don't know what to feel

He's staring at me

He's waiting for an answer

No words, only tears and silence and an inner voice..

run away, don't feel the pain

What to do, what to say

It's dark

It needs healing

let it come

let it out

Maybe words, maybe silence and an inner voice...

Only here and now

Gone

I carry a sorrow.
Im sorry that you will never see,
all that is me.
Im sorry that we will never be,
more than a faded memory.

Clouded

Its clouded,
grey.
All I can see is mountaintops.

No solid foundation,
its hidden in the fog.

Standing on the ground,
afraid of climbing.

There is no sight,
unable to trust the Unknown.

Still on the ground,
easier to hide in the Shadows.

No title

I discovered something beautiful.
Impossible for eyes to see,
for the mind to make sense.
Only for hearts to feel.

It makes no distinctions,
draws no hidden lines.
It makes no judgements,
embraces you with open arms.

I thought I had to escape,
see what yet hadnt been seen.
It made my heart melt,
when I found it is here with me.

Not below or above,
even not beside.
Inside the centre of my soul,
an eternal love that is slowly making me whole.

The play

Breathing it in,
then letting it go.
Why control the natural flow?

Watching life,

played out on the stage.
Desperatly grabbing hold,
of every given role.

New places,
becomes familiar.
Familiar faces,
defining who I am.

Being a spectator,
judging what I see.
Is it really me?

Now

Mountains of ice are melting,

running rivers are crystal clear.

Continuous flow,
moving into the Unknown.

No destination,
no need to belong.

Ongoing journey,
I am its home.

Circle

Walking along the same path

Its the same,

but it keeps changing.

Looking behind me,

I see memories fade.

Yet I feel their presence.

Keep them as close as possible,

as I direct my attention ahead.

Gazing into the Unknown,

attempting to see images of my predictions.

Looking through a window of sorrow,

it colours what I see.

Continuously lurking behind the glass,

visible yet inaccessible.

Walking along the same path

Its the same,

but it keeps changing.

The window is slowly breaking,

cracks letting in a different kind of light.

Its the same,

but it feels different.

after

Don´t look back,
there is nothing you can do.
Move on and learn from the
same mistakes you made before.

The seagull

Once I saw a seagull,
with his wings wide he floated above the horizon.
He looked determined,
his persistent howl sounded convincing.

Once I saw a dead seagull,
with wings broken laying flat on the ground.
He looked empty,
his orange beak didnt make a sound.

I once was a girl.
With my arms spread I ran into freedom.
I looked at ease,
my voice was clear and open .

I saw this girl changing.
With her arms crossed, and her head bent down,
she looked anxious.
Her voice was restricted, mostly she kept quiet.

I have floated like the majestetic seagull in the air.
I have been broken like the lifeless bird on the ground.
I have been convincing.
I have been restricted.

I guess its not black and white
I am not the one or the other
I have been both,
still I am.

the road again

regrets
unmet faces
unheard voices
hands not seized
smiles not returned

enough place for that too

when the wanting fades in the being
and everything falls away
you still have
things are
it is

you still have sunrise above Mekong
blazing the watercourse
before it breaks into branches

you still have the breeze
brushing silvery tree-tops
lining the river front

you will still be
in the reach of fire
and the waking voices

Reason

I have learned happy is good
I have learned not to be sad
I´m not happy about that.

I wish I was without doubt
that I knew what I wanted

I wish to go to sleep
right after I turn off the light

But I´m blind
can not find.

Let it

Blinded by you
spelling of truth.
To be correct, just right.
Blinded by the
pure that I'm not.
Throughout this, my light.

Freedom

breathing simply to breathe
going simply to go
being simply to be
without thougths, without plan, without goal

The girl in the bath-tub

Her body is frozen
the water is rising towards her shoulders.

She is screaming inside.
The endless silence is still all that is there.

To her the silence creates an everlasting noise in her head.

The water is rising towards her face.
The explosive panic is starting to settle in her body.

It almost looks like she is getting used to it.

Out of nowhere a dark shadow appears behind her.
He looks strong.

I cant see the fear in her eyes,
but I know she is afraid.

Without much effort he firmly pushes her down.
The water covers her head.

There is nothing I can do,
but to watch her let go.

Flower

The stone.
The stone in the air, which I followed.
Your eye, as blind as the stone.

We were
hands,
we baled the darkness empty, we found
the word that ascended summer:
flower.

Flower - a blind man's word.
Your eye and mine:
they see
to water.

Growth.
Heart wall upon heart wall
adds petals to it.

One more word like this word, and the hammers
will swing over open ground.


Paul Celan

the rays that melt the shell or light on its return journey

chasms these
we no longer
need to plumb
more than a heart
in the sun has set

more than a sun
for hills to recall
when to night
the sea returns
and sleep returns

of us too some dust
on your wings you bear
in your endless flight

you
cruising flame of chaos
conjurer of space

_________________________

written years ago, returning here to echo 'the black hole'

You are me

I offer you,
voice I speak myself,
take me.
Make all things fall,
for you unite all of me.

the black hole

I

black and deep

uncertain and daunting

narrowed and airless

rays of love melt the shell

an irresistible force stills the mind

warmth makes the heart glow

it’s the far-reaching felicity of the self

that is and will always be and shall never fade

not from this world but forever allied forever united

II

a black hole

a black nothingness

it is not

it does not exist

it does not sense

it is unfeeling, in airless space, unseeable ,though in peace

trying to touch it lightly

to embrace it

to stroke it

to sense it

I cannot, it is not,I will not

I will not!

too black?

too empty?

too cold?

too vulnerable?

no tears, to melt the shell

no pain to be felt

no longing to warm it up

nothing

III

sad without knowing why

groundless void

no goal, no way, nothing.

Steps

Trembling,
Balancing on the edge

What happens if I fall?

Constant whisper,
Voices create an ongoing noise in my head

What happens if I don’t listen?

I fell,
the voices stopped calling for a while

When will I hit the ground?

Silence
so comfortable,yet I am so afraid

What if I hear something I haven’t noticed before?

Panic
A desperate need to escape

Who am I running from?

Fruity

The tree is big and rich of fruit

I take one apple down

The color persuades the taste

not yet is it ready to give. 

I pick one apple off the ground 

become the one

I never hoped for, myself.

account

The history of my stupidity would fill many volumes.

Some would be devoted to acting against consciousness,
Like the flight of a moth which, had it known,
Would have tended nevertheless toward the candle's flame.

Others would deal with ways to silence anxiety,
The little whisper which, though it is a warning, is ignored.

I would deal separately with satisfaction and pride,
The time when I was among their adherents
Who strut victoriously, unsuspecting.

But all of them would have one subject, desire,
If only my own -- but no, not at all; alas,
I was driven because I wanted to be like others.
I was afraid of what was wild and indecent in me.

The history of my stupidity will not be written.
For one thing, it's late. And the truth is laborious.


Czeslaw Milosz

healing dimensions

Un-named

Might life be fuller, better, even great, if I looked different

Like a bruised fruit only part of me is good to eat

Spoiled parts of me to be transformed

Into sweet jams with which to fill summer fair pies

Compost from which I can grow whole again

I can’t tattoo myself whole

I can’t work myself whole

I can’t smoke myself whole

There is a hole in my wholeness

If I embrace it, love it, dance with it

The nebulas of uncertainty and self-disdain can rest easy

I fill the hole instead of sitting in its safe container

Of perfect floral air

a moss cushion my bed

Pop culture distractions fence me from my essence.

Will I ever embrace my imperfections

or forever a rotten plum

Insurmountable

Its grey

The color of my skin has changed
My body feels old
I am moving slowly
Yet vibrating restlessness is moving inside


Its grey
A shadow covers what I see
You look different too
I need to look away,
yet desperate to grab hold of your heart


Its grey
Imagining the future
Helplessness makes me heavy
This body is not my own
A stranger has settled down,
and I am about to drown


Its turning black
I judge before I feel
My face is frozen
The stranger has won,
control is gone


Its black
an overwhelming disgust
the darkest hate
to disappear is all I want to do
I guess the stranger becomes a friend,
and I am wearing the mask of a victim again